Happy Father's Day 2013
I've noticed that over the past couple of days, there have been a lot of hits to my post from last Father's Day, in which I mentioned two of my friends who, after their divorces, have lost contact with some or all of their children. Not only are they missing out, but honestly so are their kids! God made the world so that it requires two parents to have a child, and He knew that what is best for the child is to have two parents who are part of their lives for as long as possible.
I suspect that post has been passed around some single fathers' lists, so in the hope that it might help someone, I'm going to tell their stories - hopefully without enough identifying details (I'll even change a few) - and if you're one of those kids, or a kid in a similar situation, please know that your father loves you and wants to be connected with you even if he's no longer connected with your mother.
One of my closest friends in the world got divorce from his wife five years ago (he's since remarried). He has three girls. Two of them have no contact with him, and I cannot even tell you that it's the mother's fault or the court system's fault. There was so much pain in their relationship until the divorce that the kids just aren't willing to make the effort to put the relationship back together. The father has tried in every way to reestablish contact with them - he's changed a lot in the last five years - but they keep remembering the past and are unwilling to reestablish a relationship with him. The oldest child has successfully maintained relationships with both parents, proving that it's possible. And my friend's new wife has been warm and welcoming and tried - also unsuccessfully - to establish her own relationship with the two youngest kids.
Another friend, who has seven kids, has been a victim of the court system. His marriage fell apart over 15 years ago, and after four years of living on the streets (because a court ordered him to pay more in child support than he was earning at the time, and then garnished his wages ahead of the tax authorities!), he succeeded in showing the court that his ex-wife was hiding income and assets overseas. That got him back into a normal living situation, but he has been barred from the weddings of the two children who married in the past few years, and has had very little contact with any of his children. Last week, his first granddaughter was born. But he cannot see her because he cannot leave the country in which he has been trapped for the last 12.5 years, and because his child is unlikely to let him see his granddaughter, even if he were to show up on their doorstep - she hasn't heard a good word about him since she was a child. This friend is a victim of both the court system and of his ex-wife's vindictiveness.
And with that, I'd like to share with you an article from the London Sunday Telegraph.
Mr de Bernières said: “I’m lucky. I have equal custody with my former partner over our two children. But many other fathers suffer real plight. If your children have been heisted by your ex-wife and you can’t see them while claims of abuse are investigated, or she is generally uncooperative and obstructive, you miss out on seeing them time after time.
“Father’s Day is when you feel most desperate. It can be an intensely melancholic day for all too many men.”
Mr de Bernières, 58, said that before he reached an amicable arrangement with Miss Gill the pain of rarely seeing his two young children, Robin, seven, and Sophie, four, left him in a state of “emotional desolation” and repeatedly drove him to the brink.
The experience prompted him to become a champion for fathers’ rights and serve as patron of Families Need Fathers (FNF).
“Every other weekend is not enough to sustain a loving relationship with a child,” he said. “Children need two people, two different personalities in their lives, two ways of living. Two individuals offer two different sets of life skills to a child.
“Furthermore, as a father I can do things with my children that my ex simply cannot, physically. I can horseplay with them in a way she, and other women, can’t – and children need that physical aspect of parenting.”
But he warned that the tendency of both the divorce courts and wider society to favour the rights of the mother, was damaging to future generations of parents.
His fears echo those of the Centre for Social Justice, which last week published a report showing that the number of lone parents has increased by almost a quarter between 1996 and 2012, and that in parts of some British cities, such as Cardiff, Liverpool and Sheffield, there is no father present in more than 60 per cent of households.
“If you have generation after generation of little boys with no male role models they will grow up to be no good at fathering,” said Mr de Bernières. “Yet the weight of academic evidence is that children get on best when they spend a sufficient amount of time with both their parents.”Read the whole thing.
In my experience, what the article describes in the UK is much less harmful than what goes on in Israel, where there are two court systems that deal with divorce - one that is seen as biased for the husbands, and one that makes up for it by being totally biased for the wives.
I hope all fathers who read this are able to be with their kids today. But if you're not, and if it helps you at all, coming from someone who is fortunate enough to be married to the same amazing woman for nearly 32 years, and who has good relationships with all of his children (and grandchildren), please know that I feel your pain.
To the kids, if your Dad is alive, and you have no contact with him, you're missing out. My Dad HK"M (may I atone for his sins) passed away eight months ago, and I often miss all the things I can't tell him about anymore - let alone all the great experiences we had together. Please make the effort to reestablish your relationship. Your Dad loves you!
Happy Father's Day everyone. It's sad that this sort of post actually has to be written in this day and age.
Labels: personal stuff
posted by Carl in Jerusalem @ 11:19 AM
1 Comments:
Thank you for your post , yes for fathers who have lost the contact with their child(ren) it's a sad day.
Have a joyfull day Carl.
Thank God i've received the happiness of two stephsons who brighten my days especially on this day.
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