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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Suicide bomber's questions

Make sure you pass this article on to any potential suicide bombers and any Muslims you might know. This is a suicide bomber recounting his last interview with the village Mullah before journeying to Tehran to join the 'Martyrs Brigade.'
Me. Well, Your Person, I am truly ashamed to ask troubling questions, most of which have been implanted in my mind by this evil tent-mate. For instance, I am confused about the promised paradise and the reward for a martyr – I mean the promised 72 virgins…

Mullah. Yes, yes, go on. What about it?

Me. I hope you forgive me. But, with your permission I will try and lump my questions about the 72 virgins. Would I be married to all 72 of them? I know that we are allowed four wives on earth and as many seeghe (temporary wife) as we wish or we can afford. In this accursed earth, not only I couldn't afford one virgin for wife, even a widow declined my parents’ proposal to marry me. Furthermore, I couldn't even afford to have one seeghe. So, you understand that I am a healthy 26-year old man and I find this promise most alluring to me…

Mullah. Yes I understand. So what is the problem?

Me. Well, as I said, will all 72 of them be my wives? Would I be able to divorce one or all of them? Can I punish them if they misbehave, like women are wont to do? Having the same 72 virgins forever is a long long time. Could I get rid of them and get some new ones? Would I be able to choose my virgins from a lineup or will they be assigned to me, whether I like them or not? You see, Your Person, I hate to confess this. I have a hankering for special kind of women – the blue-eye-blonds, the infidel European and Americans. Would they be in heaven, would Allah make exception for them since they are so beautiful? Allah can make exceptions, the scripture say, “He does as he wills and ordains as he wishes.” The type of women I am talking about I have seen in a couple of movies are the ones who get my juices bubbling, pardon me for my impertinences Agha . I don't care much for scrawny shriveled women like the ones in this village. See what I mean?

Mullah. Son, all these questions are irrelevant. Why do you think it is called paradise? It is just that, paradise. It means that you get your heart’s desire, since you have earned admission in it.

Me. Thank you, thank you, Your Person. I knew that you would answer my questions satisfactorily. Now, the older of my sisters is 24 and not married. There is no suitor in sight and chances are that she will go to her grave virgin. She was seriously thinking about volunteering for the Martyr Brigade and going with me to Tehran. We talked about it and I told her about the 72 virgins that I will be getting. That was a mistake, I believe. She asked what she would get for her sacrifice. I had to wrack my brains to come up with an answer. I didn't think that she would get 72 men. Because, Allah forbid and I do beg your forgiveness for what I am about to say next. If a woman serves 72 men that would be like a brothel, right, Your Person? That just doesn't seem right and it is not very practical for one woman satisfying the lust of 72 men. I told her that she would probably be one of the 72 virgins that another man would get, since given the shortage of men in this village and our poverty she is likely to go to the grave virgin anyway. She became furious and almost slapped me on the face.

Mullah. Yes. That’s women for you. They are so feeble and emotional. And at the slightest thing they get provoked and become completely irrational— best not to engage them in any serious discourse. They are childlike, even when they are old. It is for this reason that Allah has ordained in the Quran that men are rulers over women. Women are not equal of men. Women need wise and strong rulers to keep them in line. Otherwise the whole world would be ruined. Besides, what if women don't like what they get? The scripture say that women’s testimony in the court of law is worth half of that of a man’s, no prophet of Allah has been a woman, no Imams has been a woman, no Ayatollah, not even a mullah has ever been a woman. They just have to know their rank and their place and be grateful to men who care for them, support them and feed them.
It gets even better. Read the whole thing and pass it on to any Muslims you know. Heh.

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